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Tue, May. 23rd, 2006, 03:15 pm

If someone has wronged you... if you have a list of grievences... if since being wronged you have been able to see a side of her person you never imained existing then why would you not be able to stop loving that girl? If I could only stop loving her I could continue a friendship with her. But why would I be friends with her now. Today she told me that she would move up to Seattle for me... as if that were the issue!!!! No- fuck no she wont. And she'll stop talking to me as if we were meant for eachother as well. She cheated on me, left me, never appologized or said she wanted me back until that relationship dissolved... and then- magically she's on my doorstep with a sincere apology, a ticket to visit her and a plan for the future. Alright- its fucking bullshit. I can make 10,000 excuses due to her not having courage, being scared and having anxiety issues... just not being strong enough in herself to confront issues ahead of her. But fuck ____ Why would I still be willing to date you knowing that you did not have the personal strength to be up front wiht me. That you would rather decieve than tell a painful truth, that you would rather hurt and ignore than face potential rejection or anger... that you would rather hint tease and play mind fucking games then ever just put yourself on the line. Why would I do that to myself??? Becasue I love you? God knows why I do but I do... and if I could cut it out of myself I would frappe it in a blender. We're not going to be friends until I can deal with that emotion... until I can see you and talk to you without having to lie to myself to bear the pain. When its no longer a struggle for me... maybe not till I've found contentment elsewhere and sated the burn. But in the words of a friend "sometimes you just need time". Right now, I need time. And right now seeing you is helping only you- because I will put on a pleasant face... I will get lost under your arms in our hello hug... I will laugh and joke and talk to about anything under the sun. But it will be a lie. Not that I wont be able to force away the pain temporarily and enjoy your presence, but deep down I'll know that I still love you and that fact, that with the knowledge that you encouraged my vulnerability and then shredded it... that will make it a lie. And my growth, my strenth as a human and as a woman lies solidly in my ability to be honest with myself.